The Frustration of Expectation

Hey fellow modelers and kit hoarders. Right now I'm sitting at work, on my lunch break, thinking: How do I get more subscribers on my YouTube channel? How do I get more Instagram and Twitter followers? How do I get more up-votes on model related sub-reddits? All this is going through my mind and then I remember; I only have six videos published on my YouTube channel that covers one kit. Hit with this realization, the first step I need to take seems clear. Create more content. But, therein lies the issue. Where is the time to devote to creating this content?

I have a full-time day job, an awesome wife, and three amazing kids. My wife is currently finishing her college degree so a great deal of my time off work is making sure she has the time she needs to study, do homework, and take tests. I'm not complaining. I'm so proud of my wife for knocking out her degree. The fact of the matter is that I don't have a lot of time to work on models. But, somewhere in my head, I've created this expectation that I'll have time to work on them every night. When I'm not able to (or choose to play the XBOX), I feel lazy and unmotivated. Add to this the pressure I put on myself to grow a YouTube channel and I've created the perfect recipe for stress and anxiety.

I live every day with depression and anxiety. By trying to do all this YouTube and social media stuff, I've created an additional source of anxiety. I started filming my builds because I thought "I'm building the kit anyway. It might be fun to film it and stick it up on YouTube and see what happens." I started doing all of this for fun. Somewhere along the way (it's been a short trip so far) I forgot that and started focusing on numbers. Not because I want to be a YouTube star or make tons of money, but because I wanted more people to see my work and to connect with other modelers. This would be a startling revelation an insight into myself if I didn't have this same internal conversation at least once a week. Thanks depression.

There is one thing different this time and writing this post has helped me realize it. I need to change my expectations. I love spending time with my family and that is my priority. At the end of the day, scale modeling is just a hobby. I have time when I have time. I'm still going to film my builds and post them on my YouTube channel. I'm still going to post my WIP and galleries on this blog, Facebook, and Instagram. I'm still going to tweet when I release a new video or have something interesting to say. But I'm going to do it knowing that scale modeling is supposed to be fun and I'm not going to let expectations driven by depression and/or anxiety spoil it.